I am sure you have all seen me sat in chat doing nothing more than throwing annoying quotes into the room. Well, if you ever found them interesting (or even noticed them for that matter) They are all here for you to read (or not if you don't wish to! - bugger off - I don't care! (sobs))
Some are well known quotes, some
are Eddie Izzard or Monty Python quotes and there are a few lyrics hidden
in there too! I bet no-one reads them tho!
Oh well......... here they are...
I used to have
a handle on life - then it broke.
The Moslem striptease dancers tantalised the man into a frenzy. "show
us yer faces, Show us yer faces" they cried
Never eat yellow snow
Smile. It makes people wonder what you are doing with your other hand!
We are the people our parents warned us about
If you want a chick, go buy an egg!
Masturbation is a waste of fucking time!
When all that's stiff is his socks, take the money and run!!!
A hard man is good to find.
The Waltz was invented by men, so that they could lead and step on a woman
at the same time.
Virus Scan - Windows found, Remove it? (y/Y)
The world is coming to an end, Please log off and leave in an orderly fashion!
Do earwigs make chutney? Do spiders make gravy?
Never suck all the juice out of a vampire
That was now and this is then!
A man wrapped up in himself makes for a very small parcel indeed!
Why do men have nipples?
The Clairvoyants' Society's Annual General Meeting has been postponed due
to unforeseen circumstances?
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry
jam on a picnic without looking to see if the seeds move!
Whips and Chains? Sorry - that's a hardware problem!
Man has been defined as that which comes from woman and
spends the rest of his life trying to get back in!!!
Are you trying to tell me that coconuts migrate?
When god was handing out the various different functions
to man and woman he came to the last 2 items. Who wants to be able to piss
standing up then? said got to them "Me Me" said the man - I have
to have that one!!. OK said God. He then turned to the woman and said "Well
that leaves you with the multiple orgasms then"
A woman who calls herself a bird deserves the worm she gets! 
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Very funny Scottie, now beam down my clothes!
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Fairytales = Horror stories for children to get them
used to reality!
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!
Men are like toilets - they are either Vacant, Engaged
or Full of shit!
If you've never seen an elephant ski then you've never been on acid!
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell!
I used to spell badlie, but now I got worser.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
LSD: Virtual Reality without all the fancy hardware
The more you run over a dead rabbit, the flatter it gets.
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have
the heart of an angel -- in a jar on my desk.
IRISH VIRUS: Hello there, I'm a virus from County Kerry.
Please forward this e-mail to all the contacts in your personal address book.
Then delete all the files on your hard disk. That's grand, thanks very much.
Why buy a book when you can go to the library?
Fer sell cheep. IBM spell chekur. Wurks grate!
Necrophillia - that uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one!
Un cheval, pas du glue. Pas du cheval, beaucoup du glue
Wouldn't you rather die and be twung into a tree?
Hair Ooh, the hair thieves... they come in the night....
steal your hair they do!
You know that you are getting old and things are turning rotten when hair
starts falling off your head and shows up on your bottom!
The grass is always greener on the other side of your
sunglasses
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid
A cemetery is a place where dead people live
Smoking a cigarette won't send you to hell. It just makes you smell like you've
been there
Never eat prunes when you're famished
They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash
Buy Mr Dog for small Yappy type dogs and maybe they'll
shut the f**k up
A perversion of nature….. how exciting!
Ummm, trouble with grammar have I? Yes!
WARNING: my messages are offensive to morons!
Tell me it's just PMS and I'll nail your bollocks to
the floor!
Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just
the programmer's way of debugging
If you can't say anything nice about someone, say nothing. Then creep up behind
them with a baseball bat and really let em have it
Guns and Banjo's - Interesting band!
It's funny how us people show our love by touching tongues. But at least we're
not all doggies, or we'd sniff each others' bums!
IBM = Institute of Black Magic
Blue pants you will infiltrate whites wash, you will be disguised as a handkerchief,
have you practised your white handkerchief accent?.
There was a whole family of Delicious. Golden Delicious.
Extremely Delicious. Not Very Delicious. And Jeff Delicious - who was the
bad apple of the family.
Calvin Klein. A fragrance for a man, a woman or a duck
I did a bit of Latin in my time. But I can control it.
I want to live till I die. No more. No less.
Your cat is drilling behind the sofa. Hey cat, are you
drilling? Don't worry it's safe, he's got goggles.
Condoms for everyone!! One with ribs, one with barbecue sauce, and one with
a flake in it.
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist.
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit!
When things look dark, hold your head high so it can
rain up your nose.
Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest
animals in the world!
Stop skiing off my roof you bastards! Bloody elephants.
What I really need to do is find myself a brand new lover...
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC,
It plainly marks four my review
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm shore your please too no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
Don't worry, I'm gong tŸ b‚ckup tød…åí!&#~"
Sex is like oxygen; it's not important unless you aren't
getting any
I'm as pure as the driven slush.
Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.
Thesaurus: prehistoric reptile with a great vocabulary.
There's something moving in the forest about eight miles away. I'll go check.....
and I'll take a thimble.
We are the daleks...we will exterminate.. ...death...
death...or... plumbing??
Dracula. Or Dracul. Or Drac. Or D. Depends how well you know him.
Due to the right kind of snow, this part of the web site
is not yet available, cos I'm out playing in it!
Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
When a man says, "I need more space," it confuses
me. What's the matter with all that space between his ears?
It was early evening in the Hotel and the Annual Chess Convention nerds were
bragging about their skills loudly in the hotel lobby. Exasperated, the worker
behind the reception desk said to his boss "If there's one thing I cannot
stand, Its Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"
"Energize," said Kirk, and the pink bunny appeared.
Chirpes: n, A canarial disease, no tweetment
If Einstein had been black It would be E=MC Hammer
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling
like the passengers in his car.
The sex was so good, even the neighbours had a cigarette!
Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation
as kids, we'd all run around in a darkened room munching pills and listening
to repetitive music.
Time flies like the wind, but fruit flies like bananas
Honeymoon: time between "I do" and "you'd better"
(D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
Egghead: What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so
get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
Welcome to Hell. Here's your copy of Windows
Robin Hood's original plan was to steal from the rich
then run like hell. But it never really took off. Plan #2 Steal from the comfortable
and give to the moderately impoverished!
The light at end of tunnel is temporarily out of order. It will be switched
off until further notice.
He's dim, Jed
I need some Mental Floss!
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."Unless
it was just a lawn mower
Hmmm, fence must still be down over at the funny farm...
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry.
I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source
of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population
gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a
big fire and everyone died.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,and he
will sit in a boat & drink beer all day
The sixth sheikh's sixth sheep's sick.
If love is blind and marriage is an institution, does that mean that marriage
is an institution for the blind?
Keyboard not found. Visualise"F1" to continue
Some chatters are only alive cause it's illegal to kill them
God created man before creating woman, because you need
a rough draft before you create a masterpiece
Man is the king of his castle
A king is a ruler
A ruler is 12 inches
Still think you're a man?
Women have their faults.
Men have only two.
Everything they say and
everything they do.
Trust me on this one: Challenging someone to a duel by slapping them with
a glove is far more effective if you fill the glove with loose change first.
To err is human, to moo bovine
I used to have a life, now I have a modem
Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!
I am not your saviour, I'm just as fucked as you
How do you make Windows faster ? Throw it harder
My other computer runs the Enterprise!
Hell is full. The damned are now in Tech Support
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage
He awoke my slumbering womanhood with his double tall
loin latte. "Starbuck!" I cried.
Mary had a little RAM -- just about a MEG or so.
And now for something ruder...
Sex on television doesn't hurt you unless you fall off!
3 dreaded words that men fear you saying when making
love: "Is that it?"
Quid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Anything in Latin sounds profound.)
A small child once asked me what happens after we die.I
told him we get buried under a pile of earth and worms eat our bodies. I guess
I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but
I didn't want to upset the poor kid!
I just bet that if world peace breaks out someday, they'll be lots of parties
around the world. Then someone will get drunk and start a fight.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time
STICK \'stik\ n. 1: A somewhat non-functional boomerang
If you want to see someone you haven't seen in a while, go shopping without
any make-up on and your hair looking a total mess.
I'm your only friend, I'm not your only friend, But I'm
a little glowing friend, But really I'm not actually your friend, But I am...
Sitting at a Computer is Lonely Do you really have any Friends? Does anyone
really Care? Think about it...
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. (I came, I saw, I stuck around)
I am Tweety of Borg. "I tawt I attimiwated a puddy tat!!"
Hooray Hooray the 1st of May - outdoor sex begins today!
If you tell the truth you'll never have to remember the lies you've told.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't
there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
Most of us know how to say nothing...few of us know when.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
When their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the dwarfs began to suspect "Hungry"
Deja Moo - the feeling that you have heard this bull
somewhere before...
Dislocate -- 1. [Verb] To injure a joint by temporarily forcing the bone out
of its normal socket. Many skills in acrobatics appear to involve dislocating
a joint, when they actually do not.
And watching lovers part, I feel you smiling,
What glass splinters lie so deep in your mind, To tear out from your eyes,
With a word to stiffen brooding lies, But I'll only watch you leave me further
behind..
To me, boxing is like a ballet,
except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other
If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't
met everybody.
Some call it fern,
Some call it bracken,
Whatever you call it,
Let's get crack'n'.
If you don't know how,
But would like to learn,
Come lie with me on my bed of fern.
School days are the best days of your life...provided
your children are old enough to go
Never argue with a dragon, for thou art crunchy, and goest well with cheese
If a chicken and a half can lay an egg and a half in
a minute and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to
kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle?
Life is swell in a padded cell, it will chase those blues away, you can trade
your gloom for a rubber room, and injections twice a day!
Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble
in the wabe all mimsy were the borogoves, and the momeraths outgrabe.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pieman going to the fair Said Simple Simon to the Pieman
"What have you got there?" Said the Pieman unto Simon "Pies,
you dickhead!"
Definition of fun = faulty. Reboot fun.exe
On candystripe legs the spiderman comes, softly through the shadow of the
evening sun, stealing past the windows of the blissfully dead, looking for
the feet shivering in bed. Searching out fear in the gathering gloom and suddenly!
a movement in the corner of the room! and there is nothing I can do when I
realise with fright that the spiderman is having me for dinner tonight.
The time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things.
Of Unix, telnet, ftp; of protocols and pings
Two silkworms were having a race, but it ended in a tie.
The truth hurts, especially when you write it on cardboard
and poke yourself in the eye with it
if one drinks much from a bottle marked poison, it is sure to disagree with
one sooner or later...
Hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque..
Le souri est sur la table, la chat est sur la chaise, et le singe est sur
la branche....
"It's just the Rebels sir...they're here..."
"My God, man!...do they want tea?!"
"I shall start a new religion in this country, the Psychotic Bastard
religion"
This week, I are been mostly eatin'... acorns
The result of improved and enlarged communications is a vastly increased area
of misunderstanding
Dear Paul, .. brackets - Saint, apparently - .., fuck
off! Love and kisses, the Corinthians
Piaano! Piaano! It's not a fucking piaano, it's a claaranaat. You weird talking
woman, you.
Ello, we're murderers... Er... Twix please.
This jam is made by nazis out of dead twigs, bits of mud, and spit
The 4th International Child Slapping Championships "Personally
we believe that there is nothing finer than the sight of a grown adult thumping
the living daylights out a small, defenceless child..."
"Rumours of fraud persist, despite official denials and regular debunkings.
The same story keeps popping up time and again, from many disparate sources:
namely that NASA did not send a man to Belgium at all. That is was, in fact,
just an elaborate hoax..."
"The aim of Project Scooby is to design the ultimate
'super sandwich'. A sandwich to be both feared and admired by people all over
the planet. A sandwich that could, if properly handled, dominate the world..."
"Ladies & Gentlemen, it is important to have goals. Every organisation
must have an aim: a gameplan if you like. Our aim is to make as much trouble
for mortals as we possibly can, and might I say it is something we do extremely
well..."
"The average African bull elephant can type at speeds
in excess of 120 words per minute, the Bengal tiger has command of three forms
of shorthand and the giant panda has a thorough working knowledge of double
entry bookkeeping..."
All people will need to do is bleed into the envelope, seal it carefully and
label it with the appropriate blood group. You can give as little or as much
as you like, from the merest pinprick to the full eight pints (further envelopes
are available on request). As an added incentive, we're offering tokens for
every pint you donate. Collect fifteen and you can exchange them for a free
spleen.
Scandal has hit the tiny village of Chelford in Cheshire
after a local woman, Mrs. Edna Slut, claimed that she was being bugged by
MI5. "I know for a fact that there are listening devices in my home,"
Mrs. Slut told us. "I don't know exactly where they are, but I have noticed
that the cat's been walking funny for the last few days."
Suffering from piles? A martyr to embarrassing flatulence? Halitosis? Unsightly
boils? Diarrhoea? Are you unfathomably ugly? Then phone 0898 11 22 33 NOW!..Go
on, we could do with a laugh...
Police have been baffled by an outbreak of surrealist
muggings. In the latest incident, a woman was held up as she used a city centre
cash machine. "I had just collected my money when this youth jumped out,
pointed a loaded chicken at me and told me he was an electric tree. Then he
gave me fifty quid and ran off."
"The Long Legged Tree Duck is capable of taking out whole armoured divisions
with its bare feet..."
"Recent satellite photographs confirm what researchers
have suspected for some time: a five mile wide area of shortcrust pastry at
the North Pole..."
"hidden away in the back streets and deserted warehouses of northern
England, unlicensed ‘bare-knuckle snooker’ is rapidly growing in
influence..."
"Carefully select two ornate table lamps. Skin and
bone them, being mindful to extract the long, dangley green bit that runs
down the centre as this is extremely poisonous, and is the property of the
Church of England..."
Tension headache? follow the instructions
on your painkiller box... "take two tablets" and "keep away
from children"
I am a bunny rabbit, Sitting in me 'utch, I like to sit
up this end, I don't care for that end much, I'm glad tomorrow's Thursday,
'Cause with a bit of luck, As far as I remember, That's the day they pass
the buck.
Tchaikovsky, was he a tortured soul who poured out his immortal longings into
dignified passages of stately music or was he just an old poof who wrote tunes?
The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays,
in courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of time
he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog Eater.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self critisism
I like children, properly cooked
I wouldnt be caught dead with a necrophiliac
America is a melting pot, the people at the bottom get
burned while all the scum floats to the top
Wow, what an exciting conversation. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm
each other.
some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the
leather straps
If you love something, set it free, if it doesn't come back, hunt it down
and kill it
Want a taste of religion? Bite a nun
Sleep..... oh, how I loathe those little slices of death...
Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a
woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Chatrooms are like a herd of performing elephants with
diarrhoea - massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and
a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.
Toys to pram...Toys to Pram...we've lost contact...Toys to Pram, come in Pram!!
Foolish are the people who play Twister on the stairs.